TSP: Karl Rove drug fueled sexcapades

SANTA FE, NM--(This is a reprint of an article that was originally posted on July 11, 2008.) The Schadenfreude Post has learned that former Bush Administration adviser Karl Rove refused to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, not due to assertions of executive privilege, but because he was coming down off a drug cocktail of peyote buttons and Ecstasy. TSP investigators have discovered a hidden love den on the outskirts of Santa Fe, New Mexico where Mr. Rove and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld frequently partake in drug-addled sexcapades with Brazilian prostitutes and Congressional interns.

Mr. Rove was expected to testify before the Judiciary Committee to answer questions about the firing of U.S. Attorneys for political purposes. An aide to Mr. Rove sent a hastily written handwritten note to the committee, announcing his intention to ignore the subpoena, based on White House Counsel's advice that Rove's testimony on the issue is subject to executive privilege, a nebulous legal concept that has been used by the Administration to ignore court orders and otherwise obfuscate its secretive agenda.

The handwritten note to the committee is reproduced here verbatim:

Dear Judiciary Committee:
It has come to my attention that squirrels with antennae are being sent by the liberal media to my friend's ranch in New Mexico for the express purpose of catching me and my friend Rummy in the act of committing hankie pankie and unexplained drug use. For the record, my medicine man has been giving me peyote buttons to treat my migraines for sometime. It is consumed purely for medicinal purposes. Due to my ailment, I am unable to fly to Washington to answer your questions. I would like to say, however, that I love every one of you and hope that I can give you a big hug sometime soon. I do feel a little guilty for encouraging my former boss to accidental go to war because of false propositions. And, while I'm at the helm, I want to say that the sunset is just beautiful out here in New Mex. I'm seeing tracers in the sky and it's all purple and shit. I can almost imagine that Rummy and I are on floating, sanctimonious fortune telling. Please give me a life jacket Rummy. And I never fired the bang bang. It was Gonzalez who done it. Man, I'm flyin'. Just get me down to the ground and I'll teach the dog to sing. Purple Haze, going round my nose. Turbulence, turbulence. (unintelligible words.)

Members of the Congressional press corp are attempting to analyze the above letter under the assumption that Mr. Rove was writing in some obscure coded language. TSF has learned from a young Brazilian prostitute, however, that Mr. Rove and Secretary Rumsfeld were "high as a kite" as the letter to the committee was being drafted. According to the source, the two former Bush intimates were also talking about world domination and methods of imperial rule based on the "time-tested principles of Risk," presumably referring to the popular board game.

It is now thought that Mr. Rove's handlers will take him to a state-of-the-art detox facility in Santa Monica, where he will undergo colonic cleansing in an attempt to expel any residue of the peyote and Ecstasy before he is forced by a court to testify before the committee. TSP will continue to report on this breaking story.