Irish immigrant rocker opposes health care reform

BROOKLYN--In a TSP exclusive, Irish punk rocker Shane MacGowan had declared his opposition to all health care reform legislative proposals that are coursing through the mottled veins of legislative committees before both both houses of Congress. Mr. MacGowan has long been known for his powerfully sensitive lyrics, sardonic wit and heavy drinking. He recently explained his opposition to health care reform in a short interview at a Brooklyn pub.

TSP: Mr. MacGowan, one of your signature traits has always been your blackened teeth and Olympian drinking ability, which surely has put a strain on your liver and other body functions. Have you always placed preventative medicine and health care on the back burner, as it were?

SMG: Fuck no. When I was a wee lad, my Mum would take me to the dentist and I would see the look of fear in the man's eyes. Real fear. As a child I liked sweets and then later my tastes moved more towards beer, wine and spirits. Of course it took a toll on me body. But when I emigrated to America, I couldn't afford doctors and dentists, what with my hard fought wages as a punk rock musician. I remember my manager laughing uncontrollably when I asked if the band could get a group insurance policy. So I said, fuck it. If I'm gonna enjoy the fruits of American soil, I'll just have to factor in about 10 to 12 less years of life expectancy.

TSP: But wouldn't your lack of medical care make you more inclined to support basic health care for all Americans?

SMG: Not at all. You see, mate, American medical care is like a whiskey sour made with cheap rubbing alcohol. It smells medicinal but leaves you shitting your pants in an alley after you've had a few. I remember once in Cleveland when they wheeled me in on a gurney and they made me lay there in my own filth for hours because I didn't have an insurance card. In Ireland, they celebrate poets. In America, you celebrate investment bankers. In Ireland, the old and sick are treated with compassion and care. In America, the old are institutionalized and the sick are medicated and thrown on to skid row. I say, why bother having health care reform. You need to reform your whole way of life. You are a sick nation. That is why I love you all so much. You're sick and revel in your debasement. Now let's drink.