Jack Bauer faces war crimes charges

VAN NUYS, California -- French thinker Jean Baudrillard often noted the strange convergence of fact and fiction, reality and fantasy in popular culture. He would not be surprised by recent developments in the debate over torture as official U.S. policy with enemy combatants. Newsweek legal columnist Dahlia Lithwick notes the bizarre citation of American television show 24 as a defense of such a policy in "real life" situations.

Ms. Lithwick noted that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and former Justice Department lawyer John Yoo have all held up the ideal of fictional anti-terrorism agent Jack Bauer as an exemplar in defense of torture as a state-sanctioned activity.

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles … He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Scalia said last summer at a conference. "Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?"

The answer is a definitive yes. According to a source at The Hague based International Criminal Court, prosecutors are preparing papers to charge Mr. Bauer with war crimes for his role in promoting the use of torture by the military, intelligence services and private contractors.

Mr. Bauer is said to be in hiding in the backroom of a Van Nuys strip club, where he has reportedly told friends that the U.N. will never take him alive and whom he blames for framing him with a D.U.I. arrest in May.

"I've learned from British crypto-zoologist David Icke that the U.N. is run by reptilian shape shifters," Mr. Bauer told The Sun. "I have six stripper body guards who are willing to use lethal force to prevent my extradition to the demon United Nations One World police state."

Television executives are attempting to establish contact with Mr. Bauer to advise him that he is not a real government agent, but simply an actor who plays one on television.

Meanwhile, Administration officials are concerned for the physical safety of Mr. Bauer should be be put on trial at The Hague, particularly if he is forced to bunk with captured Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic. Mr. Karadzic is likely privy to the fact that Mr. Bauer undertook many missions against Serb nationalists in the first two seasons of 24. The violent Bosnian Serb leader is expected to extract revenge on an imprisoned Bauer by shorting his sheets and putting shaving cream in his boxer shorts.

Novak tumor explains recent hit-and-run

WASHINGTON -- Conservative columnist and commentator Robert Novak has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, which could explain his abnormal behavior when he struck a pedestrian in Washington, last week, and continued driving. The Schadenfreude Post apologizes for its characterization of the incident and hopes for his speedy and full recovery.

Robert Novak involved in hit-and-run

Novak takes out Harvard Law Review... with his Corvette

Paleo-conservative columnist Robert Novak has taken the notion of politics as contact sport to new lengths today when he splayed a pedestrian onto his windshield and continued driving down the street. Upon being accosted by a witness, Mr. Novak indicated that "I didn't know that I hit him." The victim was a former editor of the Harvard Law Review, a traditionally liberal law journal. Police are still investigating the matter, which occurred only hours ago. The Schadenfreude Post will report further on the situation as facts become available.

Some witnesses at the scene reported that Mr. Novak was shouting that he was "The Prince of Darkness" and that "Heath Ledger is a wuss" in the moments after an alarmed civilian flagged down the manic columnist.

TSP mental health advisor Alcofribas Nasier noted that the victim bore a striking resemblance to former CIA operative Valerie Plame, who was illegally burned as an agent through the reporting of Mr. Novak. He also noted that Mr. Novak's use of a black Corvette to commit his attempted assassination said a lot about his mental state and virility.

"It is possible that the 77-year old curmudgeon saw the victim walking down the street and presumed that he had to take her out of commission" before she could extract revenge for his underhanded role in the destruction of her career, said Mr. Nasier. "I'm convinced that Mr. Novak believes that he is more sinister and diabolical than The Joker."

Unfortunately, Mr. Novak forgot that he wasn't in Chicago anymore, where such antics are not only tolerated but a necessary part of career development in the news and politics business.

Vice President Dick Cheney issued a press release that expressed his hope for a quick recovery for "the Harvard liberal." Mr. Cheney's office is also floating a trial balloon to the effect that Mr. Novak was acting in self defense, as he truly believed that Ms. Plame was part of a secretive group of ninja-secret agent liberals out to get him and thought that Harvard Law Review was the center of the conspiracy.

Mr. Novak had no comment when informed by TSP that Harvard is known for "liberal arts," which is different than progressive political views.

Wedding party bombings in Afghanistan explained

Several commentators and bloggers have commented on the strange frequency with which NATO forces have decimated tribal wedding parties in Afghanistan. The Schadenfreude Post has learned that the bombings are not accidents or indiscriminate but are part of a concerted effort to "piss on the symbols of terrorism" by killing terrorists where they party. President Bush signed an Executive Order to allow the Operation Phoenix Croaking after learning that lots of Afghanis are "partying like its the Fourth of July and procreating like rabbits."

By bombing wedding parties, the Administration hopes to lower the now rising birth rate and force tribes to abandon traditional weddings for American-style affairs.

"Its a win-win for Afghanistan and America. We get rid of kids who might someday face us on the battlefield, give our bored pilots some some practice time aloft and help out the ailing American wedding industry.," The Schadenfreude Post learned from a Pentagon source.

The source said that the domestic wedding industry is suffering declining revenues due to the sub-prime banking crises which was exacerbated by the deregulation of the financial services industries less that a decade ago. Young couples are losing jobs, being kicked out of homes and are worried that relatives would not be able to attend their wedding because of high gas prices. It is believed by the Pentagon that the Administration hopes to force Afghanis in-doors and allow American wedding planners to create a day to remember for dazed locals.

Hallmark Cards has already set up a mobile retail store in Logar Province being operated from an MRAP, bomb-resistant armored car. Entrepreneurial wedding planners have been embedded with Marine Corp. scouts and Wedding Planner magazine is said to be creating a burqa trade in-program for young women (burqas would be traded in for white wedding veils).

Survivors of the NATO wedding party bombing campaign are being given an all-day pass to Branson, Missouri to listen to country music and compete with American horsemen in a rowdy match of buzkashi.

President Bush is said to had an epiphany about the wedding party bombing campaign while participating is his daughter Jenna's wedding on May 10th after several in-laws confronted him about his lack of attention to Laura in the bedroom.

New Yorker cover is an insulting hit job on Obama

Joe Conason of the New York Observer gave a feverish defense of the New Yorker for the magazine's depiction of Barack and Michelle Obama as terrorists and black supremacists. Like many other apologists, Mr. Conason failed to actually analyze the caricature to back up his point. The evidence does not support his assertions and the cover should be viewed as a hit piece.

New Yorker Editor David Remnick also defended the periodical on NPR by stating that the cover was intended to demonstrate the lies and innuendos of Right Wingers who have attempted to portray Senator and Ms. Obama as radicals who do not represent most Americans. He explained the fuss as a misunderstanding between progressives and maybe a bit of hyper-sensitivity from the Obama camp.

Mr. Remnick and Mr. Conason fail to point out is that the cover illustration fails to depict any indication that the joke is on the conservatives. There is no depiction of Karl Rove with puppet strings or McCain cronies as magicians. The illustration only shows the manifestation of the hypocrisy and lies that have been put forth to oppose Senator Obama. This oversight is either the product of incompetence,which is not the likely behavior of such a sophisticated magazine or, more likely, a failed attempt to prop up the McCain campaign that backfired.

If the New Yorker is going to take sides on an issue, at least they should have the guts to own up to their actions.

McCain to control world supply of beer if elected

The Schadenfreude Post has obtained credible evidence from a beer industry source that Senator McCain plans to do for beer what President Bush did for oil. Beer guts are expected to roll if Senator McCain's nefarious plan is successful.

When the current president was elected, many commentators speculated that the incoming Bush Administration would promote domestic and foreign policies that strengthened the profitability of large oil concerns. That fear has been realized. Intentional foreign policy acts of the Administration have constricted the supply of oil and promoted foreign consumption. The war in Iraq, belligerent conduct with regard to Iran, taunting of Venezuela and Russia, failure to nurture potential producer nations such as Brazil, along with the failure to sign and promote environmental protocols such as Kyoto, have predictably sent domestic gas prices and oil company stocks soaring.

On the domestic front, the Administration has further used the manufactured oil crisis to promote industry plans to populate the nation with nuclear power plants and drill in sensitive national forests and off shore. Further, he has refused to take any action to promote renewable energy and policies to reduce consumption.

Senator McCain has close ties to the beer industry through his wife, Cindy. The couple just obtained a massive windfall from the sale of Anheuser Busch to Brazilian/Belgian conglomerate InBev. The Senator's future plans for the beer industry were laid out at a secret confab in Saint Louis immediately after the sale of Anheuser Busch. TSP's source is a profligate beer drinker and is said to be alarmed at the potential loss of beer drinking affordability should the Senator win election and constrict the flow of grog.

According to the source, Senator McCain plans to promote legislation to outlaw foreign owned beer. This would prohibit Bud and other national and regional brews from being stocking in store coolers. Then, through his business contacts, the Senator will introduce his own brands of beer, which will be sold for up to $25 per six-pack. The source noted that the Senator even had beer names lined up: McNasty Lite (named after his school nickname); Hair-trigger Ale (after his habit of losing his cool if asked a direct question); and Flip-flop Bitter (in honor of his well-known habit of changing policy positions).

TSP's source quietly wept as he reminisced about the "good ol' days when beer was cheap and plentiful."

Beer is more American than oil and arguably more important. TSP strongly recommends that Senator McCain publicly explain his plans for the beer industry before we lose yet another freedom.

Here's mud in your eye!

Free Roman Polanski

The Schadenfreude Post has long advocated for a reexamination of the Roman Polanski sex case in Los Angeles. The recent release of the documentary Wanted and Desired has finally put together enough evidence to show prosecutorial misconduct due to ex parte contact with the judge and bias. The New York Times is reporting that Mr. Polanski's lawyers are asking Los Angeles District Attorney Steve Cooley to reexamine the case. This is a positive development.

Mr. Polanski has suffered enough in his life: Escape from the Krakow ghetto as Nazis destroyed his childhood innocence; wife brutally murdered by products of California's penal system; a media circus and improper LAPD leaks that unfairly sullied his reputation as Manson and his followers were prosecuted; and finally, the complete breakdown of justice as an anti-Semite and anti-Hollywood judge bent the system to prop up his fragile ego.

It is time to free Mr. Polanski from this unjust ruling.

Karl Rove no show at House Judiciary after drug overdose

The Schadenfreude Post has learned that former Bush Administration adviser Karl Rove refused to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, not due to assertions of executive privilege, but because he was coming down off a drug cocktail of peyote buttons and Ecstasy. TSP investigators have discovered a hidden love den on the outskirts of Santa Fe, New Mexico where Mr. Rove and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld frequently partake in drug-addled sexcapades with Brazilian prostitutes and Congressional interns.

Mr. Rove was expected to testify before the Judiciary Committee to answer questions about the firing of U.S. Attorneys for political purposes. An aide to Mr. Rove sent a hastily written handwritten note to the committee, announcing his intention to ignore the subpoena, based on White House Counsel's advice that Rove's testimony on the issue is subject to executive privilege, a nebulous legal concept that has been used by the Administration to ignore court orders and otherwise obfuscate its secretive agenda.

The handwritten note to the committee is reproduced here verbatim:

Dear Judiciary Committee:
It has come to my attention that squirrels with antennae are being sent by the liberal media to my friend's ranch in New Mexico for the express purpose of catching me and my friend Rummy in the act of committing hankie pankie and unexplained drug use. For the record, my medicine man has been giving me peyote buttons to treat my migraines for sometime. It is consumed purely for medicinal purposes. Due to my ailment, I am unable to fly to Washington to answer your questions. I would like to say, however, that I love every one of you and hope that I can give you a big hug sometime soon. I do feel a little guilty for encouraging my former boss to accidental go to war because of false propositions. And, while I'm at the helm, I want to say that the sunset is just beautiful out here in New Mex. I'm seeing tracers in the sky and it's all purple and shit. I can almost imagine that Rummy and I are on floating, sanctimonious fortune telling. Please give me a life jacket Rummy. And I never fired the bang bang. It was Gonzalez who done it. Man, I'm flyin'. Just get me down to the ground and I'll teach the dog to sing. Purple Haze, going round my nose. Turbulence, turbulence. (unintelligible words.)

Members of the Congressional press corp are attempting to analyze the above letter under the assumption that Mr. Rove was writing in some obscure coded language. TSF has learned from a young Brazilian prostitute, however, that Mr. Rove and Secretary Rumsfeld were "high as a kite" as the letter to the committee was being drafted. According to the source, the two former Bush intimates were also talking about world domination and methods of imperial rule based on the "time-tested principles of Risk," presumably referring to the popular board game.

It is now thought that Mr. Rove's handlers will take him to a state-of-the-art detox facility in Santa Monica, where he will undergo colonic cleansing in an attempt to expel any residue of the peyote and Ecstasy before he is forced by a court to testify before the committee. TSP will continue to report on this breaking story.

Neocons promote plutocracy under guise of liberalism

William Kristol wrote an emotional defense of America's constitutional founders in yesterday's New York Times and almost had me convinced that he truly honors that supreme guidepost of American values. Then I examined the column a second time and realized Kristol's true message; he believes the elites are the source of our freedom and are the only one's capable of determining what is right for America and the world.

Mr. Kristol began his column by quoting from the Marx of neo-conservatism, Leo Strauss, on the elasticity of the "self evident truths" of the Constitution, not withstanding its excessive contact with the masses. He spends most of the column recounting the final years of Thomas Jefferson and the former President's heart-felt love of his fellow revolutionaries.

At the end of the column, however, Mr. Kristol reveals his true purpose when he correctly states that our freedom was secured by the "brave leadership" of a few members of the Colony's elite, who had the courage to initiate and carry through with rebellion against King George. Extrapolating from that, he asserts that the founders' loyalty were to each other and not to the masses of people who are ill-inclined to throw off the bonds of subjection.

And the pledge has to be supported by a sense of honor — even of sacred honor. The declaration’s assertion of equal rights, one may say, is supported by what is necessarily unequal, the sense of honor of those acting on the people’s behalf.

In essence, Mr. Kristol is simply following the lead of Mr. Strauss and other intellectual mentors who advocate for the promotion of a sort of democracy of elites that promotes a new age of plutocracy. The transformation to rule by the wealthy and powerful is made palatable by couching its policy objectives in the sanctified construct of enlightenment values, liberal philosophy and free market principles.

Ironically, if Mr. Kristol and his fellow intellectual cohorts are successful in their project, Western governance will shift to a form of leadership that resembles the antithesis of enlightenment values, the subordination of the individual to the body politic and a oligarchical marketplace that discourages competition.

One need not trust my analysis of Mr. Kristol and his ilk. Simply read a sprinkling of the writings of Mr. Kristol, Mr. Strauss and the policy positions of think tanks associated with the neo-conservative philosophy (e.g., Project for the New American Century, Manhattan Institute for Policy Research, etc.). Further, if one follows the timing of Mr. Kristol's pronouncements, one can get a feel for the ultimate objectives of the project.

Mr. Strauss advocated for the use of Plato's noble lies as a necessary way to maintain a cohesive society. The theory is that the masses need mythology to help them obey the norms of the body politic (i.e., patriotism, religion, fear of the unknown and different). Mr. Kristol's father, himself an intellectual proponent of noble lies, once wrote that:

[t]here are different kinds of truths for different kinds of people. There are truths appropriate for children; truths that are appropriate for students; truths that are appropriate for educated adults; and truths that are appropriate for highly educated adults, and the notion that there should be one set of truths available to everyone is a modern democratic fallacy. It doesn't work.

Which truth is appropriate for you?