Clinton unfit to serve as President

Senator Clinton's behavior and campaign methods over the past weeks have shown that she will do anything to be President and values her own ego more than her country. I say this with a great deal of levity and sadness, as I have been a supporter of Hillary and her husband Bill for many years. If she cares about her country and party, she will bow out of the race for the Democratic nomination.

Clinton's campaign has used every dirty trick in the book to tamp down the growing popularity of Senator Obama. She has raised the ugly specter of race, lies and innuendo to undermine her opponent's candidacy, all to no avail. In the last week, she has raised the issue of Senator Robert Kennedy's assassination to promote her campaign, leaving some observers wondering if perhaps she is hoping for an untimely injury to Senator Obama. To put it directly, there is no logical reason for Clinton to remain in the race at this late date. She has nothing to gain... unless something catastrophic where to afflict her opponent. God only knows what motivations drive her to continue holding on but explanations for her position are increasingly harder to rationalize.

Clinton's primary campaign reminds me of Stalin's retreat in the opening months of the war on the Eastern Front. After the failed Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact, The German army appeared ready to crush the Russian resistance before a counter attack could be organized. Stalin gave the order to burn every building, kill every animal and lay waste to his own country, rather than leave anything for the advancing Germans to appropriate. In a year that should lay the groundwork for a rational policy in the Middle East, economic policies that sustain American jobs and fortify our infrastructure for the coming global transformation, we are witnessing Senator Clinton risk all in a last ditch effort to scorch the Democratic Party to the ground rather than let Obama lead the party in the November election.

I still have a great deal of respect for Senator Clinton but she has clearly demonstrated that she is unfit to serve as President. We need change in America and Ms. Clinton chose to run on experience. She made her bed and now she must sleep in it but someone must first change the sheets. They are far too soiled.

Malkin linked to terrorist keffiyah

In a shocking update to conservative commentator Michelle Malkin's libelous attack on food celebrity Rachael Ray and Dunkin Donuts, The Schadenfreude Post has obtained photographic evidence of Ms. Malkin's own flirtation with terrorist garb. The undated photograph above was secretly photographed by a member of the intelligence community, who graciously offered the print to TSP, on the grounds that national security was potentially at risk if Ms. Malkin was allowed to continue with her charade as a conservative.

"We've suspected all along that Malkin is a double agent for the bad guys," said the intelligence source. "This photo shows that she clearly likes the feel of a soft terrorist keffiyah on her ass."

TSP has not been able to reach Ms. Malkin for a response. The intelligence source opined that her role as a terrorist propagandist may be to stir up anti-donut hysteria as preparation for the introduction of bin Laden brand bassma as a replacement for the fried dough treat that is irrevocably linked to law enforcement in the United States. This connection is considered unacceptable by the Al-Qaeda leadership. Getting rid of Rachael Ray was just an added bonus for Al-Qaeda, since Ray (with her Cajon ethnicity) may have been tempted to push beignets as a donut substitute.

This brutal game of spy craft and industrial espionage must cease. Donuts are a perfect embodiment of American ingenuity and the spirit of the free enterprise system. Foreign pastry ideas must not be allowed to disrupt the smell of cooking dough and sprinkles which have made our nation great. God save Dunkin Donuts.

Dunkin Donuts accused of terrorism

Conservative columnist Michelle Malkin has created a firestorm that threatens to engulf American icon Dunkin Donuts and food celebrity Rachael Ray in a Kristallnachtian nightmare of melted icing and sour milk.

In a May 23rd post, a hatchet columnist for the Bush Administration, accused food show host Rachael Ray of implicitly supporting international terrorism because she wore a black and white print scarf while pitching iced coffee for the legendary donut chain. Apparently, the scarf stimulated some sort of rorschach response in Ms. Malkin's imagination that reminded her of a "jihadi chic keffiyeh." Not since the dark days of McCarthyism has our public discourse reached such a pathetic and fear-driven state of affairs. To make matters worse, Dunkin Donuts immediately acceded to the bizarre threats of the Eva Braun of conservative commentators, giving further encouragement to despicable innuendo and whispered lies.

The Schadenfreude Post decided to investigate Ms. Malkin's claims and has scoured Ms. Ray's background for cryptic evidence of terrorist proclivities. Here is what we found: 1) Ms. Ray markets a line of her own modified santoku style knives, which could conceivably be used as terrorist weapons; 2) Ms. Ray has a dark complexion as a manifestation of her Sicilian and Cajun ancestry and should, therefore, be given cavity searches before allowed onto commercial airlines; 3) Ms. Ray uses a suspicious variety of hot spices in her recipes, which could be potentially lethal to unsuspecting Anglo-American palates (Ms. Malkin would likely survive any Rachael Ray first-strike culinary WMD due to her Filipino ancestry and be able to launch a second-strike attack on Ray and Dunkin Donuts command-and-control centers with a kare kare that will burn the tongues of terrorist sympathizers from Tehran to Quincy, Massachusetts).

For Christ's sake, will someone just buy off Ms. Malkin with a life-time supply of jelly donuts and tell her to take her meds.

Editor's note: In what can only be described as a surreal, Twilight Zone-type coincidence, The Schadenfreude Post's ace investigators have discovered that Dunkin Donuts is partially owned by The Carlyle Group, a mysterious private company founded by David Rubinstein, with equity partners and former employees including the Bush family, James Baker, Shafig bin Laden (yes, that family), Norman Pearlstine, John Major and Olivier Sarkozy (yes, that family). Now that's what I call a big [censored]ing tent.

Writing courses are the new looney bins, says author

English novelist and playwright Hanif Kureishi spoke the other day at the Guardian Hay Festival, and instead of speaking about the process of writing, he "launched a withering attack on university creative writing courses, calling them 'the new mental hospitals,'" according to The Guardian. Taken as a whole, Mr. Kureishi's comments suggest that he might do well to spend some time outdoors getting a bit of fresh air.

"One of the things you notice is that when you switch on the television and a student has gone mad with a machine gun on a campus in America, it's always a writing student. The writing courses, particularly when they have the word 'creative' in them, are the new mental hospitals. But the people are very nice."

Kureishi, who wrote The Buddha of Suburbia, was discussing his latest novel, Something to Tell You, when he broke into the diatribe. The Schadenfreude Post does not question his basic assertion. Other observers have noted that some would-be authors are drawn to the creative writing courses as part of some internal process that might be better suited to a personal journal. However, Mr. Kureishi seems to have spent too much time at his writing desk and not enough time interacting with those creatures sometimes known as humans. Perhaps the time alone dulled his social skills.

Mr. Kureishi acknowledged that he interacts with other people on occasion. During the discussion of his work at the National Theatre, he said working in the theatre "gets you out of the house, and then you start to hate the people. And then you can go back and sit in a room and write." I feel much better now.

Perhaps he needs to refine his daily affirmation. The current one, said before sitting down in front of the computer, goes as follows: "Why am I doing this? Shall I commit suicide?"

Get this man to one of the new mental hospitals.

Correction: McCain not afflicted with rabies

The Schadenfreude Post has reexamined documents that purport to indicate that Sen. McCain has a rare form of rabies and found them to be fake. One expert who examined the documents said the first clue should have been the picture of a werewolf in place of Sen. McCain's photo in on of the Bethesda documents. The Schadenfreude Post becomes yet another reputable media outlet fooled by pranksters. Even the Bush Administration was fooled by a fake Niger yellow cake uranium document that propelled us into a $3.5 trillion war. The economic cost of our error was somewhat less expensive than the Iraq War. As a result of this error, however, we have asked James Frey, author of a recent fake memoir, to resign from his post on our advisory board. We apologize for the error.

Now that the rabies documents have been proven fakes, the question remains as to the source of Senator McCain's strange behavior traits, such as yelling a school kids who ask him if he is too old to be President.

Publisher's note: The furor over our allegations of rabies has created a stir. Many angry TSP subscribers have written to cancel their subscriptions and rail against our "pretty infantile behavior and inability to carry on a civil discourse." I would personally like to say that we at The Schadenfreude Post take your complaints very seriously. In fact, our goal has been to provide the unvarnished truth to political and foreign policy issues of our day, without the obvious political subjectivism with which many media outlets seem to exemplify. Our masthead, which consists of a sock monkey with a bowtie and beanie cap, and a conservative font, are intended to convey our serious intent. We even included the word "truth" in our tagline. We will continue to work hard to provide only the facts, with our unique brand of analysis.

McCain is afflicted with rabies

Senator John McCain's campaign released over 1,000 pages of medical documents to the press today, allowing journalists just a couple of hours to review the materials. One of the 10 enterprising news reporters allowed to review the documents surreptitiously video recorded certain portions of the reports, which appear to indicate that Sen. McCain suffers from a rare, survivable form of rabies.

The journalist provided the documentation to The Schadenfreude Post on the grounds that we maintain the journalist's anonymity. After several hours of review, TSP has authenticated the documents as official records from McCain's military service, upon release as a prisoner of war.

The records seem to offer an alternative view and explanation for McCain's well-known behavior issues, including uncontrollable temper and foaming at the mouth. Previous analysts have suggested the symptoms are a result of psychological damage under the strain of torture as a prisoner-of-war. These new documents suggest that rabies is more likely explanation for the Senator's behavior. The Schadenfreude Post is having the records analyzed by a retired Bethesda Medical Center physician who is an expert in rabies pathology. Additional details will be reported when the analysis is complete.

Editor's Note: If you are bitten by Sen. McCain, it is imperative that you begin a stringent treatment regimen immediately. Additionally, if you plan on being within 100-yards of the former prisoner-of-war, The Schadenfreude Post recommends that you prudently take a dose of rabies vaccine. A convenient link is provided below for cats and dogs who might come into contact with the Senator.
Rabvac 3 Vaccine - 10 Dose Vial

BREAKING NEWS: McCain has communicable disease

The Schadenfreude Post has obtained what it believes to be a detailed medical file on Senator John McCain. TSP is still attempting to authenticate the document and will report additional details when they become available.

Pentagon gets cozy with Hollywood, Part II

The Schadenfreude Post has learned from a source in the entertainment industry that Pentagon liaisons are pitching several unorthodox projects to Hollywood executives that could lead to further economic problems for the studios. Executives feel that some of the ideas are not marketable but are fearful of upsetting the vengeful civilian Administration military advisers.

TSP's source, who is fearful of being renditioned to Gitmo, agreed to provide a brief description of some of the Pentagon-pitched film projects on the condition that we alter a few details to hide the source's identity. The synopsis below is one sample from the Pentagon's wish list:

Cheney Goes Segway on the Taliban. In this action adventure, Vice President Cheney gets fed up with the overstretched military's efforts to finish off the Taliban in Afghanistan and orders the Air Force to launch him out of the rear of a C-130 Hercules at high altitude over Tora Bora. In the movie, Cheney forgets to attach his parachute as he accelerates his militarized Segway out the transport but is saved when he lands on a tribal villager's blanket that is being used as a makeshift trampoline for a child's birthday party. Upon landing, Cheney lifts his arms in mock surrender and a .50 caliber machine gun secreted in his underarms blasts away at the villagers. He then grabs a lone survivor by his pakol and orders him to take him to Mullah Omar. Cheney captures Omar but is unable to get the blind cleric to establish eye contact and "[censored] slaps" the Taliban leader into submission. Finally, Cheney convinces the former Taliban tribesmen to abandon their radical Islamic polemics and buy Segways to replace horses as a mode of transportation.

Pentagon gets cozy with Hollywood, Part I

Truthout.org just published an interesting piece on the cozy friendshipthat Hollywood has developed with the Pentagon and the symbiotic relationship that exists between the two industries. Nick Terse reported that the two industries originally developed close ties as early as the silent era and the Pentagon even has a full-time office on Los Angeles to coordinate activities.

The Schadenfreude Post has learned, however, that new projects in the pipeline will take the relationship to a new Top Gun level. One entertainment source tells TSP that new films in production, or green lighted, include a movie of the Iraq war that ends with President Bush firing a cruise missile at fez-wearing Moroccans (mis-identified as Iranians) and a triumphant tail hook landing on a carrier, conveniently glossing over the painful occupation.

Another movie in the works will highlight President Bush's service in the Texas Air National Guard. The script calls for Bush to punch out his commanding officer because the man wanted to protect the future president from dangerous combat duty. In the fictitious version, Bush flies his T-33 trainer from Texas to Vietnam (without refueling) and blows up "[censored]" villages and cities. The film will reportedly include scenes wherein the Pentagon is forced to cover up Bush's heroic bombing run because he disobeyed orders, thereby creating the mysterious blank spot in his service records.

"'Liberal Hollywood' is a favorite whipping-boy of right-wingers who suppose the town and its signature industry are ever-at-work undermining the U.S. military," Terse wrote. "In reality, the military has been deeply involved with the film industry since the Silent Era. Today, however, the ad hoc arrangements of the past have been replaced by a full-scale one-stop shop, occupying a floor of a Los Angeles office building. There, the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, and the Department of Defense itself have established entertainment liaison offices to help ensure that Hollywood makes movies the military way."

Terse's article is a bit overwrought at times (e.g., "everywhere you look, whether at the latest blockbuster on the big screen or what's on much smaller screens... [your products are] likely made by a defense contractor like Sony, Samsung, Panasonic or Toshiba).

This media/military relationship is not likely the edge of the Big Brother rabbit hole. However, it does portend potential conflicts-of-interest and demonstrates a concerted effort by the Pentagon to control the information realm, which it rightly considers a battlefield. Taken together with its efforts to place pro-Administration military analysts at media outlets, clearly some unwritten line is being crossed in a democratic nation.

None-the-less, The Schadenfreude Post really enjoyed watching the action-hero movie Iron Man, in which a military contractor is exposed to water-boarding and deprivations by terrorists. Hmmm. Maybe someone is projecting here. I seem to remember something in the news about Abu Ghraib and some hotel named Gitmo or something.

Uber-funeral planned for buzz-words

The Schadenfreude Post is sad to announce the unexpected death of another beautiful word today. "Narrative" is a word that has long resonated with TSP publisher Matthew Dodson. Narrative evaluations were used in lieu of traditional transcripts at his undergraduate institution, The Evergreen State College. After months of overuse by political pundits and uncreative journalists, yet another great word his lost its soul and become just another catch-phrase with a six month shelf life. Please stop the madness. Rest in peace, dear narrative friend.

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author"
Mark Twain

"There is no longer any such thing as fiction or nonfiction; there's only narrative."
E. L. Doctorow

"They produce a narrative, we produce a litany. "They say, 'I'm going to protect you from the terrorists in Tehran and the homos in Hollywood.' We say, 'We're for clean air, better schools, more health care.' And so there's a Republican narrative, a story, and there's a Democratic litany."
James Carville

"PRESIDENT BUSH'S NARRATIVE OF `DIFFERENT KIND OF WAR' Jari J. Rantapelkonen University of Helsinki Department of Political Science jari.rantapelkonen@mil.fi Abstract This study discusses President George W. Bush's narrative of `different kind of war' presented to the military audience and the narrative's relationship to information knowledge and information technology. One way for the military to step up efficiency for its military operations is through buzzwords such as `transformation' and `revolution in military affairs' in order to solve problems."
Abstract, Unknown (Publisher's note: Notice how the writer uses narrative as a tool to promote the greater use of "buzz-words" in the Pentagon, an agency traditionally devoid of such phrases.)

Carly Fiorina goes medieval on McCain

The Associated Press reported this week that former HP CEO Carly Fiorina is working hard to ensure the election of Sen. McCain this fall by advising him on economic policy. The hard-nosed corporate executive, dubbed "The Hatchet" by former employees, plans to utilize her Stanford degree in medieval history to transform America into a feudal state.

Some observers have suggested that Fiorina has her sights set on the White House and a top economic role in a McCain Administration would get her one step closer to the goal. While employed by AT&T, Lucent and HP, Fiorina developed a reputation as a self-promoter and a divisive manager. However, her supporters say that much of the criticism is due to the fact that she was a top manager in the male-dominated world of high technology. Others disagree.

"She almost destroyed one of the nation's great corporate treasures — she made a mess of HP, she made it an extraordinarily unpleasant place to work," said Jeffrey Sonnenfeld, a professor at the Yale School of Management and longtime critic of Fiorina's, told the Associated Press. "She represents sizzle over steak and style over substance — that would damage the integrity and credibility of the McCain campaign."

According to a high-level mole in the McCain campaign, The Schadenfreude Post has learned that Fiorina is advising McCain to get back to basics with economics. "Things were so much simpler in the old days," Fiorina told McCain, referring to the medieval times. "I really grew wistful while studying about the beautiful times we had in medieval Europe. There were ornate castles, flowery clothing and a class system that took all the uncertainty out of career choices for wage earners. And with those who disagreed with the body politic, we had the remarkably simple process of torture and burning-at-the-stake to take care of the freeloaders."

To those, like Professor Sonnenfeld, who question the merit of Fiorina's corporate initiatives and policies, she has taken a hard line. She hopes to give a "pink slip" to any American or foreigner who criticizes the narrative she has created for herself.

"My leadership at HP has been completely validated by the results HP posted the day after I was fired until today," Fiorina said in a recent interview. "Leadership is about making tough choices, and I think I recognize that in others. That's what attracts me to John McCain — he's a leader."

In fact, when the markets opened the day after Fiorina was ousted from HP, the value of HP's stock rose by $7 billion. In other words, she created excellent value for HP stockholders by leaving the company. Some observers wonder if she could do the same for McCain. Under this scenario, Fiorina would take over economic policy for a young McCain administration and so demoralize investors and tax payers that being fired by McCain would actually boost his popularity, perhaps two years into his first term.

Bush wows Knesset with appeasement reference

In a speech to Israel's Knesset, marking the 60th anniversary of that country's independ- ence, President Bush inferred that Senator Obama was the moral equivalent of Chamberlain for stating that he would negotiate with competitor nation states, leading to appeasement with terrorism.

In a rhetorical statement reeking with sarcasm, President Bush said, "we have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: 'Lord, if I could only have talked to Hitler, all this might have been avoided.' We have an obligation to call this what it is -- the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history."

President Bush showed no sign of embarrassment or irony, while speaking before the Knesset, about his own family's unique nexus to appeasement and even traitorous behavior towards the Nazis during WWII. Former Justice Department Nazi war crimes investigator John Loftus has uncovered documents which prove that the President's grandfather, Prescott Bush, was intimately involved in supporting the Nazi war machine and even served as Nazi industrialist Fritz Thyssen's agent in protecting German assets in North America. Prescott Bush was charged with Trading with the Enemy as the war ended and continued the financial relationships well into the 1950s.

"Obama wants to appease the terrorists," Bush was heard whispering to an aide. "Listen, I know just how lucrative it be to trade with the enemy. Maybe the upstart wants a piece of the pie. He ain't gettin' any."

President Bush, whose family has substantial investment connections with the Saudi royal family and the Bin Laden family's industrial businesses, is worried that Obama is going to put a wedge between his family and the Bin Ladens, causing substantial economic hardship to the Bush family, just as their banking investment portfolio is taking a hit from the sub-prime lending crisis.

In summary, President Bush was speaking before an audience of Holocaust survivors about his concerns that Obama may be a terrorist sympathizer. This speech was applauded by Knesset members, despite the fact that the President's own family protected the industrial machine that fed the Holocaust and has ties to the very sources that foment international terrorism.

The Schadenfreude Post would like to congratulate the President for being able to make his entire mendacious speech without breaking into uncontrollable giggling at any point of his speech. And they said Reagan was The Great Communicator!

President Bush prays for Einstein to "get stupider"

Albert Einstein's ambivalent opinions of organized religion have long spurred serious academic debate. However, a letter written by Einstein to Nobel Prize winning scientist Eric Gutkind, appears to conclusively show that the great thinker viewed religion as a "product of human weakness," according to the Jewish Telegraph Agency.

President Bush has been informed of the newly released document, currently on the auction block, and is planning an ecumenical conference to bring the leaders of world religions together to "gang up on the frizzy-hair guy" and ask God to retroactively lower Einstein's I.Q. to prevent him from becoming a brilliant theorist. The idea is that if Einstein had never become a famous scientist, this letter would never have seen the light of day and religion would be safe from harm.

"Previous statements attributed to the father of the Theory of Relativity -- a Jew who declined an invitation to be Israel's second president -- have been more ambivalent than this letter," according to JTA.

"The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish," Einstein wrote in the letter.

The proposed religious conference will bring the leaders of Christianity, Islam and Judaism together at the Temple Mount in Jerusalem to discuss ways of finding common ground against Einstein.

"This will be the first time in centuries that all the religions of the world will be united against a common foe," said an Administration source. "The rationality of Einstein is something we all fear. We're even going to bring in the guys with the funny robes who worship the big fat belly god. They are all welcome."

The Schadenfreude Post has obtained an early draft of the conference agenda that lists subjects for discussion:

"1) Was Einstein an agent of Satan?

2) From a procedural standpoint, how do we ask God to undo Einstein's intelligence?"

3) What kinds of dirty tricks campaign can be implemented to defame his character?

4) Can his body be exhumed and renditioned to Guantanamo Bay?

5) How can we turn this horrific event from lemons to lemonade (e.g., can we god-believers live in peace and bind ourselves together in our hatred of Einstein?)?

6) Finally, is there any chance of retaliation from Einstein's spirit?"

Whisleblower agency raided for workplace harassment

WASHINGTON – Dozens of FBI and U.S. Office of Personnel Management investigators raided the office and home of U.S. Special Council Scott Bloch last Tuesday, capping off a bizarre tenure for the nation’s top whistleblower investigator, according to MSNBC. The Schadenfreude Post has learned that the Administration has decided to create a new “Office of Special, Special Council” to investigate charges that the FBI and OPM are unfairly targeting Bloch.

The investigation into Bloch’s conduct centers on allegations that he summarily dismissed hundreds of whistleblower complains about improper conduct at federal agencies. Then, when civil service staffers complained about the discharge of uninvestigated cases, Bloch is alleged to have harassed and retaliated against those complaining of his conduct. Finally, he is suspected of hiring an outside computer consultant to illegally expunge evidence of his misconduct. He could potentially be charged with obstructing justice.

"’It's like finding out that your town fire chief is an arsonist,’ said Jeff Ruch, executive director of Public Employees for Environmental Protection, a whistle-blower group. ‘It's just sort of jaw-dropping how bizarre this entire episode has been.’"

In response to the raid by federal officers, the Administration plans to create a new executive department that answers directly to Vice President Cheney and will have the task of pushing back against federal agencies that investigate friends of the President.

“This is coming straight out of the Office of Special Projects,” said the source. “The new Office of Special, Special Counsel will go after the tools (sic) who are harassing our guy at Special Counsel. Our focus groups have determined that having the word ‘special’ in the name gives the department a kind of hallo effect. Two ‘specials’ denotes even higher status.”

Members of the new office will be armed with assault rifles and have access to the most sophisticated electronic warfare equipment to take out the FBI, OPM and any other obstructionist elements in the federal government.

“I can’t wait to see the look in Robert Mueller’s face when our guys bust down the door to his office, put a bag over his head and haul his ass down to Gitmo for a little chat about why he feels the need to investigate misconduct of our Administration guys,” the source said. “You don’t fuck with Cheney, man. Everybody knows that.”

(Editor's note: TSP attempted to exaggerate the above news story for humorous affectation but had difficulty due the fact that the actual events were too over-the-top to mock.)

Cheney forments a "gas for home equity" plan

WASHINGTON - "President Bush said Monday that he's troubled by rising gas prices and will take a look at proposals to relieve the crisis but warned that there is no quick fix," according to MSNBC. However, a source deep in the bowels of the Vice President's undisclosed location informed The Schadenfreude Post that the Administration has an Halloween Surprise for the Democrats.

According to the source, a secret plan is being formulated to solve the gasoline crisis during the high-demand summer months while also softening the effects of the sub-prime mortgage crisis.

"The idea is to put cheap fuel in voter's gas tanks while also taking a stab at the sub-prime mortgage crisis," said the source. "The Office of the Vice President is taking the lead on this plan and it is hoped that we can shore up support for the Republicans going into the home stretch for the general election."

Documents examined by TSP appear in indicate that the Halloween Surprise will involve trading equity in citizen's homes in return for gas vouchers to be used at the pump. As the price of gasoline goes up during the summer months, it is estimated that a gallon of gasoline will be valued at around $1,000 in equity in most homes. In certain markets, such as the California's Inland Empire, Las Vegas and Arizona, where property values are declining faster than the national average, nearly $2,000 in equity will be required for a one gallon voucher.

"It will make people happy because they will be able to pick their kids up from school and go to the grocery store, while ditching some of the worthless paper debt in their homes," said the source. "Halliburton, the Chinese government and Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim are lining up to purchase the high-risk debt from the Treasury."

The large investors have apparently determined that a Democrat is still likely win in November, despite the Halloween Surprise. If so, the Democrats are expected to cut the deficit, thereby strengthening the dollar and adding substantial liquidity to the financial markets. This will allow the housing markets to stabilize.

"The billionaires will make a killing when the housing values go back up and will sell the debt back to home owners at a huge profit," said the source. "Its a total sweet spot for the investors."

It is thought that the gasoline vouchers will also become worthless when the Democrats implement a robust plan to ween the nation off of Middle Eastern oil.

"This is going to really tie the Democrat's panties in a knot," said the source. "If they continue the Republican plan, Bush and friends get rich. If they try to save the country, the working class get the shaft. God, I love this shit."

"It's been a while in the making and it's going to be a while that we solve the problem," Bush said in an interview on ABC's "Good Morning America." It is "like a tax on the working people. My plan will give people gas in their tanks now and money in my pocket for later. Laura and I are gonna need a legal defense fund anyway, after the shit hits the proverbial fan."

Happy Halloween.

Yemen announces incentive program for U.S.S. Cole conspirators

ADEN, Yemen -- "Almost eight years after al-Qaida nearly sank the Cole with an explosives-stuffed motorboat, killing 17 sailors, all the defendants convicted in the attack have escaped from prison or been freed by Yemeni officials," according to the Virginia Pilot.

"After we worked day and night to bring justice to the victims and prove that these Qaida operatives were responsible, we're back to square one," said Ali Soufan, a former FBI agent and a lead investigator into the bombing. "Do they have laws over there or not? It's really frustrating what's happening."

The Schadenfreude Post has learned, however, that the revolving door incarceration and release of U.S.S. Cole conspirators, by Yemen, is part of an ad hoc plan by its intelligence services to pacify Qaida operatives in return for acting as an assassination bureau for the government of Yemen. Further, it appears that some Cole bombers have been allowed to leave Yemen for Iraq.

"The deal is for them not to bomb stuff in Yemen," said one Yemeni source. "What they do while on vacation is not our concern."

Further, the official said that the Yemeni government plans to implement an innovate incentive program for Cole conspirators that is based on popular mileage programs long used by major airlines.

"Its a win-win for everyone," said the source. "Qaida will pay us an annual fee to cover their incarceration expenses. They get money back every time they dig a hole in the prison wall to escape. It just keeps things interesting and gives them a chance to pretend that they are not actually free to go whenever they please."

Meanwhile, President Bush is planning to present a "Teamwork America" award to State Department personnel and FBI agents for their "brilliant cooperative effort to kill the terrorists, via uncontrollable laughter, as Qaida watched the incomprehensible level of in-fighting by American agencies" during the initial weeks after the bombing.

"Dead Newsmaker" Interview with Curtis LeMay

A WARM SUBTERRANEAN CABANA -
In a rare interview, Former Air Force Chief of Staff and failed Vice Presidential Candidate Curtis LeMay sat down with The Schadenfreude Post to discuss Senator Clinton's proposal to extend the U.S. nuclear shield to an indeterminate number of Asian and Middle Eastern nations. While Gen. LeMay actually passed on to a very hot retirement cabana in 1990, he agreed to a brief interview, after being contacted by world-class spiritualist Alcofribas Nasier.

TSP: General LeMay, have you been following the Presidential primaries this year?

CL: Hell, yeah, I've been following the primaries and most of the [censored] I'm hearing from the candidates makes me wanna take a giant [censored], a [censored] neutron bomb [censored], that is. I haven't seen this kind of incompetence since Jack Kennedy and his goddamn whiz-kids almost turned us into a Commie satellite. You've got a [censored] in the lead, a [censored] following up behind and a Republican war veteran who, god forgive me, even gives me the willies with his strange stares into the middle distance and rumors of a spanking fetish with his hooker girl friends.

TSP: General, if you had to chose one of the three candidates, which one would it be, and why?

CL: Well, I'd actually prefer Ralph Nader. His determination to keep Democrats from winning the White House is commendable. Further, there's something about his ecological stances that remind me of the wonderful pre-WW II German writers who combined a love of nature with fascist and Bavarian folklore. I know we had to bomb the Krauts but I kind of took a liking to their thinkers.

TSP: I understand that preference but of the three...

CL: I heard your mother loving question, pinko. I guess I'd have to say I kind of like that Hillary. I can almost picture her (heavy breathing) with [censored]...

TSP: Sir, I was referring to policy issues.

CL: Well, of course. You see, back when I had my finger on the button back in the 1960's, my guys were making the Congressional rounds, talking up the idea of a nuclear umbrella over the free world. I'm glad to hear that Mrs. Clinton is on board. You see, if the Commies try any fast ones, we can nuke the sons of bitches back to the Stone Age. We need to protect our allies from the Red Invasion.

TSP: Aren't there potential problems with extending a nuclear umbrella, for instance over both Israel and the Gulf States. What happens if say, Israel and Saudi Arabia get into a shooting war and, say, the Saudis have a little Pakistani nuclear warhead in one of their Chinese built intermediate range missiles and, say, the Israelis take out one of the mosques in Mecca and the Saudis retaliate by taking out Haifa and the Israelis drop a half dozen bombs on the Saudis, Syrians, Egyptians and Iranians?

CL: Well, that's kind of a long-winded question little fella but I'd say, [censored] yeah. Then we can launch nukes against the Israelis, Saudis and Iranians and the rest of the god damn commies over there. It would be a big ol' fire works display in the Middle East.

TSP: But isn't the idea of a nuclear shield to protect our allies, not destroy them?

CL: In theory.

TSP: Thank you very much General LeMay. I hope we can visit you at your very hot vacation cabana sometime soon.

CL: Peace out!

As part of our "Dead Newsmaker" series, TSP next plans to interview Jimi Hendrix about his alleged sex tapes.

Neo-conservatives airbrush leftists out of the French Resistance

Conservative FrontPage Magazine recently asserted that Communists and leftists actually supported the Nazis in occupied France and opposed the French Resistance. This bold revisionist theory explodes the long-held belief that Communists, Jews and Marqui refugees from Spain were the lone defenders of the Republic against the fascist Vichy regime and the Nazi occupiers.

David Horowitz and his neo-conservative friends at FrontPage lament the supposed revisionist stream in American intellectual thought that acknowledges a history of African-American discrimination and that corporations pollute the environment. After all, it is clear to all thinking people that most pollution is caused by the proliferation of trees. God damn those trees. Now, however, the neo-conservatives are on the offensive and plan to turn revisionism around and use it against their progressive revisionist competitors.

Horowitz himself was once a leftist, before he turned to the far right after an assistant was allegedly murdered by African-American radicals in the 1960s. Clearly, if one criminal impacts your life, all members of the assailant's race are very bad. Newly mugged by Leo Strauss, Horowitz took on his new persona with a vengeance.

In a 2002 article (okay it is not exactly new but The Schadenfreude Post only occasionally peruses FrontPage Magazine), J.P. Zmirak states with, presumably, a wry smile:

Before Hitler committed his fatal blunder, and invaded the Soviet Union, the only serious “Resistance” German troops encountered in France came from a handful of Gaullist holdouts, scattered throughout the country and frequently betrayed by Communist informers. (Likewise, in the U.S., the Communist Party was militantly pacifist from the day the ink dried on the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact, until June 21, 1941—when they turned on a dime into “patriotic” supporters of the Allies.)

Throughout the war, the Resistance was bitterly divided between de Gaulle’s loyalists and the newly mobilized Communist units, who fought not for France but for Stalin. Each side betrayed the others’ partisans to the Germans; at war’s end, the Communists organized kangaroo courts and firing squads, executing thousands of supposed collaborators, in a slaughter they labeled l’epuration, or “the purification.” According to one eyewitness, the political scientist Prof. Thomas Molnar, himself a survivor of a German camp: “The Communists lined up all their political enemies: Catholics, monarchists, conservatives, trade union leaders, along with the real collaborators, and shot them all. It was a blood purge, pure and simple.” (Interview with the author, Aug. 1999).

Now we know the neo-conservative truth. The French middle-class fought the Nazis, Communists supported the Nazis, and the slightly misguided far right in France accidently sided with the Vichy collaborationists, for which they are duly sorry.

May 6th Update: An upcoming article in FrontPage will reportedly assert that the supposed falangist regime of Franco in Spain was actually secretly a Communist front and the Republicans were proto-neo-conservative anti-communist heros.

President to announce job plan for returning Iraq veterans

The Schadenfreude Post has learned that President Bush is putting the final touches on a plan to help physically and mentally injured soldiers and marines get back into the workforce. The centerpiece of the plan, outlined by a Senator who asked to remain anonymous (he has a wide stance), is to replace former military analysts at news organizations with newly returning veterans. Since the discovery of Administration malfeasance with regard to the use of intellectually-compromised military analysts to sway the American public in support of the war effort, the administration has decided on a new tactic.

"We need to continue the tactic but with a subtler message," said one Administration official. "We are going to replace the former command officers with severely injured platoon-level soldiers and marines (some of whom have no knowledge of military doctrine) but who possess the physical and emotional persona that we want to project to the public."

The idea behind this project is to immunize the analysts from more than surface inspection and allow their scars to create an emotional bond with the audience.

"Who the fuck is going to question the credibility of a private from Wisconsin who has his half of his god damn head blown off?" the official asked.

At the time of this posting, TSP is still attempting to substantiate a claim that the Pentagon is in the final stages of implementing "Operation Tripwire," a project to put Bisacodyl stool softener in the drinks of Special Olympics participants to "own the winner circle" of upcoming competitions and allow former war veterans to create an aura of invincibility in the games and thereby "put the fear of god" into Sunni militants in Iraq, who will be watching the games on U.S. funded television networks in the theater of operations.