TBILISI, Georgia -- Military.com reported yesterday on the assent of an Emperor Penguin, from a Scottish zoo, to honorary knighthood in the elite Norwegian King's Guard. Upon hearing of the knighthood, President Bush is reported to have suggested to aides that his sturdy Stihl chainsaw, used to clear brush at his Crawford, Texas range, be granted a comparable honorarium by a U.S. military unit.
A source in the White House told The Schadenfreude Post that the Pentagon is petrified that the President will actually follow through with the results of a "rap session" with Condi (Secretary of State Rice) about ways to cement his place in history. Rice is reported to have advised the president that such an act on behalf of a German commercial product, could be construed as being in bad taste in light of weakness in the domestic home and garden industry. Pentagon aides are drawing up plans just in case.
The Navy reportedly told Secretary of Defense Gates that the Navy's elite SEALS would rather "suck bullets out of an M-4 carbine than to take on the president's chainsaw as a mascot," according to the source. Other branches of the military are just as reticent to take on the chainsaw moniker.
While not officially an American branch of the military, President of Georgia Mikheil Saakashvili has declared in a press release that he "stands tall" with the American President and has always had a fetish for German chainsaws. His presidential bodyguards, recently seen jumping on the Georgian leader and attempting to smother him with body armor after hearing a plane overhead, have offered to wear Stihl baseball caps while on duty in honor of the American "hotrod."
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