Albert Einstein's ambivalent opinions of organized religion have long spurred serious academic debate. However, a letter written by Einstein to Nobel Prize winning scientist Eric Gutkind, appears to conclusively show that the great thinker viewed religion as a "product of human weakness," according to the Jewish Telegraph Agency.
President Bush has been informed of the newly released document, currently on the auction block, and is planning an ecumenical conference to bring the leaders of world religions together to "gang up on the frizzy-hair guy" and ask God to retroactively lower Einstein's I.Q. to prevent him from becoming a brilliant theorist. The idea is that if Einstein had never become a famous scientist, this letter would never have seen the light of day and religion would be safe from harm.
"Previous statements attributed to the father of the Theory of Relativity -- a Jew who declined an invitation to be Israel's second president -- have been more ambivalent than this letter," according to JTA.
"The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish," Einstein wrote in the letter.
The proposed religious conference will bring the leaders of Christianity, Islam and Judaism together at the Temple Mount in Jerusalem to discuss ways of finding common ground against Einstein.
"This will be the first time in centuries that all the religions of the world will be united against a common foe," said an Administration source. "The rationality of Einstein is something we all fear. We're even going to bring in the guys with the funny robes who worship the big fat belly god. They are all welcome."
The Schadenfreude Post has obtained an early draft of the conference agenda that lists subjects for discussion:
"1) Was Einstein an agent of Satan?
2) From a procedural standpoint, how do we ask God to undo Einstein's intelligence?"
3) What kinds of dirty tricks campaign can be implemented to defame his character?
4) Can his body be exhumed and renditioned to Guantanamo Bay?
5) How can we turn this horrific event from lemons to lemonade (e.g., can we god-believers live in peace and bind ourselves together in our hatred of Einstein?)?
6) Finally, is there any chance of retaliation from Einstein's spirit?"
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