Dunkin Donuts accused of terrorism

Conservative columnist Michelle Malkin has created a firestorm that threatens to engulf American icon Dunkin Donuts and food celebrity Rachael Ray in a Kristallnachtian nightmare of melted icing and sour milk.

In a May 23rd post, a hatchet columnist for the Bush Administration, accused food show host Rachael Ray of implicitly supporting international terrorism because she wore a black and white print scarf while pitching iced coffee for the legendary donut chain. Apparently, the scarf stimulated some sort of rorschach response in Ms. Malkin's imagination that reminded her of a "jihadi chic keffiyeh." Not since the dark days of McCarthyism has our public discourse reached such a pathetic and fear-driven state of affairs. To make matters worse, Dunkin Donuts immediately acceded to the bizarre threats of the Eva Braun of conservative commentators, giving further encouragement to despicable innuendo and whispered lies.

The Schadenfreude Post decided to investigate Ms. Malkin's claims and has scoured Ms. Ray's background for cryptic evidence of terrorist proclivities. Here is what we found: 1) Ms. Ray markets a line of her own modified santoku style knives, which could conceivably be used as terrorist weapons; 2) Ms. Ray has a dark complexion as a manifestation of her Sicilian and Cajun ancestry and should, therefore, be given cavity searches before allowed onto commercial airlines; 3) Ms. Ray uses a suspicious variety of hot spices in her recipes, which could be potentially lethal to unsuspecting Anglo-American palates (Ms. Malkin would likely survive any Rachael Ray first-strike culinary WMD due to her Filipino ancestry and be able to launch a second-strike attack on Ray and Dunkin Donuts command-and-control centers with a kare kare that will burn the tongues of terrorist sympathizers from Tehran to Quincy, Massachusetts).

For Christ's sake, will someone just buy off Ms. Malkin with a life-time supply of jelly donuts and tell her to take her meds.

Editor's note: In what can only be described as a surreal, Twilight Zone-type coincidence, The Schadenfreude Post's ace investigators have discovered that Dunkin Donuts is partially owned by The Carlyle Group, a mysterious private company founded by David Rubinstein, with equity partners and former employees including the Bush family, James Baker, Shafig bin Laden (yes, that family), Norman Pearlstine, John Major and Olivier Sarkozy (yes, that family). Now that's what I call a big [censored]ing tent.